take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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