1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
