remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
