my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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