just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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