If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
