I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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