my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
