I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
