Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
