I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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