you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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