If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
