He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
