the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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