In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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