i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
