I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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