i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
