he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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