Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
