hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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