Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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