apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
