I accidentally burped into my bong.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
