Moan for me like Helen Keller
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
