Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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