dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Couch. On fire.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
