I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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