Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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