Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
