Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
