I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
