i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
