it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
