New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How external is "for external use only"?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
