made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
