I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
