mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
