I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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