yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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