Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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