Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
