Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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