I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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