I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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