I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
