I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
