gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
