Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think a kid would responsible me up
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
