How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
