remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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