I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
