I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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