i will never coherently bang her
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
