I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
