Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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