dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
pop tarts are not kleenex
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
