She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
