Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
